Sea of Gratitude

"A mermaid found a swimming lad,
Picked him for her own
Pressed her body to his body,
Laughed; and plunging down
Forgot in cruel happiness
That even lovers drown."
- William Butler Yeats

I love this Yeats poem; it speaks much to both our independent and codependent nature. We want so badly to share our innermost experiences with others, but often - like the mermaid - we forget that not everyone can go where we go. No one else can go into our depth completely. We must travel there alone.

We are - it seems, in many senses - quite alone in this life. After all, we are designed this way. It is from this singular mind and this singular body that we exist. It is from this singular heart that beats blood and spirit through our bones that we feel our way through our very personal experiences.

This can be a hard piece of truth to swallow - our solitude. But it is beautiful too. It is powerful. It is a beautiful juxtaposition to know we have everything we could ever really need inside ourselves and a sea of adventure to be had outside ourselves. Life is so amazing in this way.

Perhaps not everyone can travel with us; perhaps we will never be fully understood by all. But every life we touch is a gift. And every relationship we have becomes a home where we can return from solitude again and again.

Looking back as this year comes to a close, I see this has been my lesson. Strength of character inside - independent, steady and strong - and the courage to live with mind and heart wide open. I am a mermaid and the world is my lover. I am in love with the possibilities of tomorrow. I am in love with the hope that the best is yet to come.

Life is an ocean of adventure and I swim in a sea of gratitude. Grateful for everyone who has touched my life. For relationships - new and old - fleeting and forever. Ones that are a temporary shelter and those that have made a permanent residence in my heart.

I am thankful for you all. You feed me. You carry me. And I promise to carry you. Even when the waters are deep. Even in the deepest depths of solitude. I promise I will not let you drown.

The Waiting Game

Sometimes life feels like a holding tank. Like the end of an exhale - stale, still, suspended. A waiting game.

I have found myself here time and again - in this waiting room - in a state of repose, anticipation, contemplation. Waiting for inspiration, recognition, change. The waiting can take on a life of its own. It's funny the places our minds go when given leeway - spinning webs, creating stories, worlds existing only within the confines of our interior, subsisting off thoughts we pluck from the skies of our imagination.

Why do we find ourselves here? Idle. Motionless. Stuck. It seems this paralysis of spirit is born from uncertainty and perhaps fear. It comes when we are unclear, apprehensive, when we don't know what we want.

Because the truth is this:

Everything in our lives. Every little thing. Everything we are and everything we long for. Everything we want and cannot have. Everything we have and do not want. Everything. All of it is our creation. We do get what we want. We get exactly what we want.

And so, when we find ourselves waiting, it is an excuse for inaction. It is powerless wanting. It is renouncement of our genius, our potential, our creativity.

Just as you created your way into this hole, you can create your way out of it. Life is never a waiting game when you realize you are the game maker. The creator. If you wait for the perfect time - the perfect opportunity - it will never come. The perfect time is one-foot-in-front-of-the-other-right-fucking-now. And if you find yourself unable to move one way, take a step in the opposite direction. But do not stand still, stagnant, powerless.

Life is not meant to be difficult. I am beginning to realize that there is actually really nothing to figure out at all. There is just living fully in this moment and loving it for exactly what it is.

The first step to freeing yourself from the wait is to love where you are. The second is to realize that you are the one who got yourself there.

So if you're tired of waiting, then get out of the room and declare: Game Over.