I carry you behind my heart

My grandma passed away yesterday. She had been slowly leaving for some time and yesterday morning she said goodbye. How can I say goodbye? I find myself immersed in her memory, filled with her company, flooded with echoes of her laughter and our moments together. How she used to call me honey and sweetheart and dolly. The way her house always smelled like something was cooking and the feel of the carpet under my feet. Her hands that were always so soft and warm...my dad’s hands. The way her eyes lit up when she smiled and how proud she made me feel no matter how small my feat.

Grandma was unconditional love. She had no agenda, no judgment, no attitude. She was warm and kind and humble, and so generous with her heart. So generous with her spirit. She offered her whole self up, and when you were with her you felt all wrapped up in it like a down comforter.

I miss her.

The emptiness of her absence is tangible; grief feels like a slow ache that never seems to stop rising. Remembering brings everything to the surface. We grieve and we remember, and we celebrate the gifts she brought to our lives. We remember who she was and in doing so, she becomes more and more a part of who we are. We who loved her and we who she loved will never say goodbye. She will always live on.  She lives on. Her essence lives in our essence. She fills our insides with her insides like the sun opening up to the sky. We will always carry her behind our hearts.  Together, our hearts will sing her song and all that she was and all that she is will carry on forever.

Thank you for all you have given me, grandma.  I love you.